There have been an assortment of things to adjust to since becoming single. The hardest has been the empty space that is my home. At the end of a work day I am excited to be free from obligation, but it feels heavy as I walk to my car knowing that I have only my empty apartment to keep me company. The weekends have been hardest. My door isn’t the gateway that it once was but instead a barrier that I hide behind.
The Day offers too much. Free time is not the welcoming visitor I used to hug-it-out with. I don’t know what to do with the empty time on the weekends. In the city, with my wife, we used to go on walks or we would go out for coffee / lunch – maybe even a nice little visit to the movies. When I review our past relationship I see now that what we did the most was talk. We’d talk and walk, we’d talk and drink, we’d talk and watch movies – we were talkers, walkers. It baffles me now that our marriage fell apart due to a lack of communication when we spent so much of our free time in a constant state of communication.
What were we even saying if we were saying anything at all?
In China the weekends were great. I was bound to the campus for the entire week due to it’s location and the inconvenience of Chinese public transportation. When Saturday would appear I would disappear into the world and come back as the sun set behind me. I was often with a friend and we would spend the time walking, drinking coffee, exploring – talking.
Everything is too quiet now. Now when I talk I don’t even know what I’m saying. Financially I can’t afford to go out like I used to, but I’d be willing to put myself into a little bit of debt for that connection. Being single now isn’t like it was half a decade ago. Everywhere I go I see people on their phones checking their online statuses. Just yesterday I was in line at the local grocery store and the man in front of me was casually flipping through Tinder, accepting and rejecting girls as the clerk weighed and scanned his apples. Is that the dating world I’ve been released into?
Is this what I should expect from the future?