Six months after giving birth to thing my husband spend a year overseas living on a boat herding tuna with his helicopter. This was a career move we agreed upon that would fast track his career by 5-10 years. It was a shortcut to get into better jobs state sides. We weighed the options which lead to packed bags and short goodbyes. Our communication while he was away was limited. He would only come into port once every 6 to 8 weeks and even when we did talk they were short conversations due to horrible connection and uneasiness on the phone. I never knew what to talk about. We were distant in miles but my day to day activities seemed trivial. Our lifestyles were drastically different.
One week before he came home I started to suffer from panic attacks. I was worried about how long we had been apart. I worried if we would be two different people who could not find away to live together anymore. Maybe I changed too much? Maybe he changed too much? I was afraid that maybe with this separate journey we would prefer to be separate. My mind flooded with maybes and what ifs filling me with anxiety verses excitement for his return. I think these are normal thoughts and fears that people have who spend a great distance apart for a great length of time have. I wanted him home, but I had been living as a single mom of 3 for a year with a very new routine that did not require his help.
I mention this to give you a background that anxiety is no stranger to me. I do not suffer from day to day stresses, fears or worry but events, large events can trigger it. His return after a long separation was the last time I felt extreme anxiety until this week. I am in the thralls of it now. I found myself with uncontrollable, non stop tremors for 3 days. I am twisting and turning while staring at my ceiling counting my blinks as acceptable moments of sleep. I find myself catching my breath. As we look at houses, greatly narrowing down our lists to potential future homes it intensifies. This is the first house we will buy. We have always rented with the biggest commitment to a house being a year long lease. Now we are talking about large down payments for a property that will be ours – forever, or until we can sell it off in the future.
It is scary! No one can convince me otherwise. I do not find my fears unjustified, but within normal parameters. I always thought about the things I would want in my first house – the decor, the wall colors I would use, the hundreds of pins on my pinterest board that I would try once I owned my own home. I know that I will not get everything I want in a house, but will I get enough? Will I love it or hate staring at the walls? Will it be big enough or too big? So many questions and little answers will be gained since I will not be the one house hunting. Oh, there is the biggest fear! I will not see any of them for myself. Excuse me while I freak out.