Bad Addict

Today I have no desire for words or thoughts.  A couple nights ago I slept an overdue sleep, lacking multiple turns and trips of pacing around the room, only to wake with the realization that I was attacked.  That soft oasis of a bed became my enemy in the night brutalizing my neck and shoulders.  The pain is intense.  Holding my head up, turning my head, sitting upright or making any movement with my arms above chest level causes discomfort and spasms.  It is funny how simply sleeping unknowingly in an awkward position can case such distress to the body.  I believed I finally was receiving a decent night of sleep after many stressed slumbers only to be tricked by mattress and pillow ninjas .I am sure this is a direct result to all the worry in my life.  You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders is commonly spoken about stress, but who knew they meant it so literally.

Not a lot has changed over the past few days.  A couple more houses have been added to the list and we were pre-approved for a mortgage over the phone.  A few moving companies have mentally calculated the weight of my house’s insides with a few clicks on an app and are sending out estimates for the move this week.  I have a rough idea of what to expect since we did this last year, but somehow we have accumulated a little bit more here and a little less there. We do not have a lot of extra and save the boxes from everything we buy.  We are professionals at moving our stuff! I am going to start slowly packing up my non essential things as soon as the pain disappears.

I wish that pain medication helped.  I tried taking the basics – Advil and Tylenol, but they offer no relief so I saved my liver a little and stopped trying to take them.  I have stronger prescription medications from broken bones and tears over the past year, but those do not offer much relief either.  I have an extraordinary high tolerance for drugs.  I consider this a blessing and a curse.   It is nice to know that I am unlikely to receive pleasure from higher classed pain medications even at large doses, especially with my family’s history of addicts, but it is unfortunate for my pain management. For now I will continue to stare at full pain medication bottles that sit in my cabinet until they expire or are thrown away, while I try good old fashion rest. I guess this is why I would never make a good drug addict.

Black Hole


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