Burning Lanterns

The weekend was a bit topsy turvy.  I found myself stuck inside my head one too many times on one too many issues.  It must be the move coming up in October, plus the realization that things need to get done here before hand.  A lot of things just seemed equally good and bad, never tipping the scale in one direction.  In all fairness this is what I believe to be true about the world.  For every good in the world there is something equally evil and vice versa.   Every light is followed by a shadow. I have believed in this concept for as long as I can remember.  It is my spirituality to believe in the balance of nature and will of mankind.  I have flirted with being spiritual in different ways, mostly trying to grasp onto my religion taught while growing up, but I have never fully been able to immerse myself into it. I have respect for the beliefs of others, their traditions, and their blind faith, but I trust in the theories of balance, karma, light and darkness.

I always felt that I walk with a bigger shadow behind me than most.  This is not to say that I have a greater light, but a light that is dim in comparison to others.  According to my interpretation of the scales I do not feel that I have weighed out my wrong with good.  What I consider to be  darkness may not even measure remotely close to what others would see as evil, but it is not their perception that matters.  I need to find peace within myself, calm my dark waters, release my fears, and overcome my internal battles.  I need to find a way to find true self acceptance.

I like to believe that many people have this battle in their life, just some are lucky to defeat it sooner than others.  I thought that by the time I was an adult with a family and decent life that it would change everything.  I am winning while losing at the same time. I believe that a lot of this could be remedied by finding a passion, a way to help others, or involving myself in the world to make a difference.  I do little things here and there, but non of what I do is for myself directly.  I have been floating the idea of going back to school once the dust settles after the move.  I have already completed 4 years at college and that has lead me no where in life.  It is just a statement I can make with no real benefit.  If I go back to school now I will go for a very specific career.  No need for basic education, bullshit electives, only the meat of the degree.

I have the type of personality where the hardest moment in a new idea is launching it.  Taking that first step is always riddled with doubt, whispers of failure, and confusion.  I can plan and visualize the life that I am aiming to create, but I cannot visualize the first step.  I know that once I overcome the initial fear and immerse myself I am completely devoted.  I hate to be pushed to start something, but sometimes that is the only way that it begins.  I am going to do it myself this time.  I am going to put one foot in front of the other on my own to shed some light in my darkened corners and take pride in my self.



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