Everyone seems to be wrapped up in their own little problems and thoughts, but why shouldn’t they be? They are after all more important to them than the issues that others may be facing. I like to believe that I have a higher spirit than most trying to find ways to make sure others know that I am around to be supportive and caring, but sometimes when you hit your own rut you feel abandoned. I have not really mentioned the reason for this downward spiral because everyone is too wrapped up in themselves that I am afraid to allow myself to be disappointed by them. So there you have it. I am heart broken and know one knows.
When I say know one knows this doesn’t include my husband. He was the first to know. He knew the moment I opened my mouth after learning something seconds earlier that I had spiraled. I opened a letter, skimmed the contents with my eyes and looked up to tell him what was learned. I could go deeper in conversation and thought with him about this if I wanted to, but I can’t because the reasons for disapproval were brought on by myself, in my stupid youth, and it makes me feel like I disappointed him when it stops me from moving forward in some areas, even if that isn’t the case. I am going to tell you a tail, some details maybe leave you with questions, but it did happen over ten years ago and this is my best recollection.
Let your past make you better, not bitter.
I have always been the good girl. I made straight A’s and avoided questionable situations. In fact in high school I terminated a friendship because I never received a simple thank you for rescuing this friend from a party and allowing her to crash at my house without her parents knowing where she really was. That is the kind of person I am. I am always thinking of others and never fully able to say no to another in need, but I expect two simple words – Thank You. It is my biggest flaw. I know that it might not seem like a flaw, but the truth is that it has lead to more harm than good.
When I was younger I attended a party that my BFF at the time was hosting at a house that she was looking after over the weekend. During this time I was living with her parents while I attended college because my parents had moved 3.000 miles across country and they were kind enough to welcome me as one of their own. So when we returned to “home” on weekends it was almost more like we were sisters than friends. The next door neighbors did not know me that well, but asked her to house sit. They gave permission for her to have a few friends over the house since it was her birthday weekend.
The night started out with us going to a male strip club and making a phone call to my ex 21 year old boyfriend to hop over to the liqueur store for us. We paid him and shooed him away, but not before word got out that we were having a small party. A party of 5-6 close friends quickly escalated to 20 with one of the attendants being the house’s owner’s daughter. She was only 16 and refused to go on vacation with her parents. Instead she agreed to stay at the neighbors house across the street. She ended up coming over, uninvited, with a couple of her 16 to 17 year old friends, but no one had really noticed till an awkward, inappropriate situation had occurred.
Your past is just a story, and once you realize this it has no power over you.