Years had passed and that young 16 year old girl had found me through the advancements of social media. She wanted to reach out to me and apologize for lying to her parents about that night. She stated that she was too afraid to tell them that she willingly had sex and saying she was forced was a better option. She went on about her new life, marriage, and kids only realizing after her first child was born how strong her guilt was for ruining two lives because she was afraid. I can’t say that I forgave her, but I was willing to listen.
Sometimes you have to accept things the way they are and move on.
That night was a lesson. First I learned that people only look out for themselves. They only care about their own well being and gain over the innocent. I also realized that I was too nice. I allowed myself to feel responsible for a young girl, who I have never met before that evening, when someone who knew her since she was a baby sat by and didn’t care about the actions she was taking. I should have kicked her out or walked out the door myself, but I doubt that would have really made a huge difference. That friend would have dragged me through the mud regardless. Instead I have this secret file that hides in the background of my life because I tried to be the best person I could be under the circumstances. Sure I made a lot of stupid decisions that night, but I did not do the thing I was charged for.
Even though the apology eventually came I knew that it was too late. The promise of having a closed record always meant that it could still be opened illegally or with a court order if requested. The promise of it being sealed only helped me in everyday jobs, not ones that I may really want to pursue. The right people could easily find it and believe words on some paper as fact. Sadly, I have found those people.
In short, I had a job that I had tried to pursue in the past and succeed through background checks and written exams, but moved before the next step could occur. I tried again once I moved a few more times and again passed background checks and written, worked towards completing my physical only to learn I was moving again. Now that I am in a place were I believe we will reside for years to come I decided to apply to this job one more time for me, to prove I could do it, only to be shot down during the first phase – a background check.
It is true what they say – the past always catches up to you, but it doesn’t have to define you. I may never know what it would have been like to have this job that I spent years going back and forth hoping to finally complete the requirements and be sworn in, but I do know that my past happened and maybe fate has decided to push me towards something better.
Don’t cry over the past, it’s gone. Don’t stress about the future, it hasn’t arrived. Live in the present and make it beautiful.