Let me take you back to something that I wrote while laying in the hospital bed waiting for my gallbladder to be removed. I was connected to a Morphine drip in order to dull the pain and news that the doctors were unsure if I could make it to surgery in time before my gallbladder exploded. They feared acid would burst eating away at my internal organs creating a much larger scaled and complicated problem. While in limbo this post was hand written in a time of complete uncertainty and desperation to write down my final thoughts in case they were my last. Yes, it is a bit morbid, but it shows you a piece of my mind while I brushed with mortality.
It is amazing how things start to feel as they start to completely unravel. The picture becomes brighter, more vibrant and seemingly more in focus. Gazing into these pictures you get to revisit the past, live in the moment and imagine the future. When the end is near the brain spirals further and further into the flickering of these images. I find myself lost in the colors, swirls, and faint feelings of self. How have I already reached this moment in my life when I have so much more to do and give? I guess you never know which path yours will be until you are on it.
Looking back I see a lot of things that I regret and many things that I would never change. It isn’t the things that you expected to have a huge impact that stand out but instead it is the little moments. Things that you thought were insignificant that truly touched you the most. A small laughter, a loving glance, a gentle touch of a hand and the overwhelming feeling of being loved. It is easy to overlook these things when so much focus is placed on the darker side of things. I know I am guilty of this and unfortunately this will be the main thing that consumes my mind as time prepares for it’s last tick.
I do not think I can even begin to apologize for the things that have happened in my life. I am far from perfect and have never felt appreciated for the efforts and strides I have made in order to be a better person. I have always fallen short in others eyes and now I have lost time to fix this. I have to end on a lower note than I ever planned. I imagined I would go out leaving behind an impression that I was someone who was amazing and someone worth becoming like, but I never reached that end goal. Maybe in the next lifetime.
I find myself stuck in a decision amoungst all decisions that makes it harder for me to begin to heal or forgive myself for past mishaps. How does one even go about making the final right decision? Is making a decision that seems right for the moment the best way to end things just because you want to spare the pain of others? How do so many people juggle so much more and have happier lives when I can not even juggle my own health and love? I guess I hope that you find a better way to cope and process things more effectively than I have. I only want you to find the happiness and to never experience the pain.
I don’t want you to think that I have decided that the darkness has overcome all the light inside me because I was lucky enough to love and be loved and I guess that is all that you can ask for. I wish I had more time, more knowledge, more ambition, more sparkle to attract the world to want to circle around and inspire me. I wish I could offer better words of wisdom to help inspire you to never have these wants and just have the world fall at your feet granting you all your dreams. I guess if I had one peice of advice to offer it is to never stop trying and to always put yourself first. Never allow yourself to feel alone when completely surrounded by others.
So we are back to swirling and fading away into the colors while struggling to keep self. I feel pain surging through my body, bones, blood, and mind. In fact the physical pain has become numb to the emotional and mental pain. I am not sure what is going to become of me and how soon this path will close, because right now I cannot see past next week. I am dying slowly by something that I have brought upon myself by poor choices and insecurities and I am not ready to leave yet. I have so much more to do and so much more that I want to become. I just need time…
I believe that somewhere along the way I started to talk to my girls, giving them the advice that I believed to be the best thing that I could leave them with. I know I never called them by names, but there is no one else that I would want my final words to touch more than those three little girls. Even if the thoughts were a bit incomplete, I believe the general jist was seen. Not too bad for morphine rambling?!