Now that we are almost two months through surgery recovery and lifestyle changes I can report that even though it has gotten easier it has not gotten any less annoying. I am two months sober from alcohol, tylenol, and several other medications that could have aided in my allergy fest that I had experienced earlier in the week, but I am also healthier and feel better mentally. In the past two months I can say that my dietary changes have led to some major, not quite extreme weight loss and my alcohol avoidance has forced me to leave the clouds of my demons and face them head on. I am back into a lot of my older clothes which happened just in time for summer and shore time living. Yep, you heard me, I am off to the coast.
News of moving came back in October on Halloween. I been keeping this from you for a while now because my fate seemed so uncertain. This move, despite the multiple moves I have made in the past, has come with different challenges and emotional obstacles. This move broke my heart tearing wholes in the fabric of reality. My beliefs were chattered. My sense of self destroyed forcing me to find a person who I have no idea how to be. Who am I if not a mother, friend, companion, or wife? These things have framed my identity for 9 years and without it I am a lost duckling in the rain. Even being forced to face reality, clear minded and substance free, I still live in denial and uncertainty. I cannot process what is happening to my life and I teeter between extreme irrational angered thoughts and reason. Reason always comes after the irrational, which unfortunately has usually already damned me.
I do not view this as a complete negative thing. I view it as my steps, my process to working through the termoil inside me. The biggest issue is that I say everything as it comes to my lips. My raw emotion, lizard brain, flows out before my rational brain stops me! The real issue is that only one person has ever made me feel comfortable enough to allow my emotional response to come out unfiltered and unprocessed, but now instead of seeing it as my less attractive quirk it has been viewed as weakness and mental illness. I guess letting down your guard isn’t always the best idea and can eventually be used against you.
What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us.
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
We are told to love eachother for our weaknesses and shortcomings. We are supposed to embrace the flaws and work together to fix them even if it is the thousandth time. You never give up on the one you love. I will admit it – I have some mental oddities, but I would say it is no different from the person sitting next to you, it is just what you are able to handle. I believe the saying goes that everyone can handle a certain amount and their own brand of crazy. I guess in the end I am stuck working and finding a new self and hoping that I am not given up on in the process.