I know it’s been quite a bit of time since I wrote on here. I wish I could have been able to take you with me on the journey that I’ve been doing, but putting it into words and seeing it on paper seemed impossible to handle. A lot has changed for me in the past few months. A lot of glass shattered. A lot of self realization happened. I can honestly say that my journey has been positive considering the darkness it started in. I know that I can’t sum it all up in one post, but I know I don’t want to sit in it for more than one post – at least not all of it. So let me get you started.
I still have my health. Which is always an inner fear and question that I have rumbling around my head if I’m actually healing or not. It’s hard to know if you are healing when you can’t physically see it. I believe that taking the right steps, keeping a healthier diet, and staying active is enough to keep me on the path to longer living. I know I have always been a healthy eater, just nowadays I’m remembering to actually eat. I know it sounds silly to forget to eat but when you work 50 to 60 hours a week, have had a serious blow to your self confidence, and struggle with your own inner turmoil of unhappiness it is easy to forget the little things. But as the dust clears and my happiness improves my stress is decreasing and full steps to self healing are easier.
As wonderful as it is that my physical health is surely improving I take more pride in the fact that my mental and emotional health has grown, strengthened, and become something that I hope it never forgets to be. The last time I spoke to you I kept buttoned up the things going on in my life emotionally and mentally. I allowed you glimpses, but I did not share the story. I have Divorced during my absence. To say that it did not kill me on the inside in every possible way would be an under exaggeration, because some moments I felt like I couldn’t breathe. To wake up one morning and realize that the one constant you thought would always be in your life is now gone is an impossible thing to process. I lost my hope, my faith, my sense of self, and my ability to wake up in the morning.
I was led to believe that I could not handle this by myself. That I was not strong enough to process everything happening in my life coupled with the physical stress of a weaker body. The constant ringing in my ears that I needed help deafened me into defeat. Instead of taking the advice of everyone I decided to mute them all and do what I thought was best, afterall, this is my new life to face.
Maybe it isnt always about trying to fix something broken. Maybe it is about starting over and creating something better.
To be continued….