It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt, It lies behind stars and under hills, And empty holes it fills, It comes first and follows after, Ends life, kills laughter. – J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit
Tuning out the voices was easier than I ever imagined it to be. I decided to categorize them into damaging or healing. Anyone that fell into the damaging category was removed from my social media, contacts, and everyday activities. The helpful voices I allowed to know more about my situation, emotions, and feelings. Once I was able to weed out the negativity I was able to breath again. With the help of positive influences, my therapist, and following my own gut I was able to begin to find happiness.
Even though I eliminated so many negative voices it was hard to eliminate my own negative voice. So many mornings I would wake up thinking I must’ve done something to deserve the darkness that I found myself in. I would wake up catching my breath, gasping for everything to be just a dream, wishing that this reality was not mine. After I would fully wake I would use the time getting ready, driving to work, and walking to the doors of my store going through a process of tears and sadness until contentment was reached. This lasted for weeks before every day became every other day, to once a week, until finally once in a while. I learned how to better understand and cope with my feelings and emotions. Mostly through the use of meditation and self realization.
I found myself believing in things that I once believed in. I found them through painting again. I realized them through meditating again. I dove so deeply into finding my own spirituality and release from my pain that I found a way to cope and find my true inner happiness. I say all this, but still there are days that still creep up on me where incredible sadness takes over. I imagine those days will always be there until the day I die, but at least I know how to better manage them. Losing something that was a third of your life is not something you just get over in a day, a week, a month, or years. Perhaps I never will fully get over it, but at least I know how to keep myself happy even though a bit of sadness remains.
Another big source of inspiration for finding happiness came for my living arrangement and my job. I found that the universe brought to me people that could help me on my journey and support me to having a happier life. Without those two things filling up my days I am not sure I would’ve been able to manage by myself. Even though I like to credit that I did most of the work alone I could not of done it without the distractions and friendships I made at work or without the encouragement and support I found with my roommates. I will forever remain grateful that things were put my path to help me have a successful journey to happiness.
There are darknesses in life and there are lights, and you are one of the lights, the light of all lights. – Bram Stoker, Dracula
To be continued…