It is time to put an end to this as best as I can. Unfortunately, this will never have a true ending to it, but I can give you what I can.
I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories do not have a clear beginning, middle, or end.
Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing whatis going to happen next.
I guess a big part of the ending is that lingering question – How is this even possible? Anyone who has followed my story or been a part of my life, both recent and lifelong only see from a stained glass window looking in from outside unable to comprehend how some things just come to an end. I wish I could give you that answer, but most of all I wish I could give myself that answer.
You can focus on the little things, adding them all up hoping maybe they lead to some big dramatic revalation, but they do not. The only real answer I can give you is that time to be spent, given to each other to make things work was no longer a priority, especially on one side. The fight of survival was impossible. You can’t win a relationship when you are the only one fighting, grasping at the memories and hopes you had for the future. It takes two to grab hold and I could not offer enough of myself to carry the other side to a better day, a better future. All I can do is find comfort in the changes I have made for myself and in the person that has found a way to live a happier life, yet not fully complete.
I know this doesn’t help you understand, but I do know that you understand that everyone should put forth every effort for everything. That is my belief and is forever my belief. It’s a downfall, a curse, because it leaves me hoping for a future that I feel is just out of reach. The future that I’m desperately struggling for is the future that makes me be a part of my girls lives every single day.
I had to process the fact of no longer being a wife, something that I lived my life completely for the day we made the commitment . I never had any intentions of making anyone see me any less, making me seem like a villian, or making me seem like I was the only issue. Perhaps I was, although I do know I’m not the one that quit, yet now I suffer the consequences.
I have found though my painting and my meditation that I can process every day and survive every single day and find happiness within it. I know I wasn’t supposed to. I was supposed to fail. It was a sure bet that I was supposed to fail. Although, I have rised from a cloudy stormy day and turned it into a sun.
I saw you standing in the middle of the thunder and lightning. I know you’re feeling like you just can’t win, but you’re trying. It’s hard to keep on keepin’ on, when you’re being pushed around. Don’t even know which way is up, you just keep spinning down, ’round, down
Every storm runs, runs out of rain. Just like every dark night turns into day. Every heartache will fade away. Just like every storm runs, runs out of rain. – Gary Allen